Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
