I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
