go do what you do best...puke behind churches
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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