god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
