I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
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It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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