I need to stop coming to work sober
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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