hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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