Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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