seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize