Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
