So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
