I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
