soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
