i just wanna soil my oats bro
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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