I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
