just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
