I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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