Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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