i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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