He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"