i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
even my farts smell like vagina
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.