but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
