His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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