Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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