Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
