I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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