i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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