What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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