My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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