She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
