Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
