He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
