so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
