Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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