i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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