I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
