Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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