I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
