My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
