WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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