when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
