I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
