I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
