im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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