and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize