I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You ruined the universe
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
