Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if only i could text you this smell
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
