theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Swine flu is the new snow day.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
