no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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