The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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