If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
