i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My cat gives me a boner
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
