Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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