Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
