I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
