I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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