sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
