I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
