I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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